A plate with paper towels sits on a desk, serving strips of horrific vegan bacon.

Vegan bacon clearly looks like a child smushed red and white Play-Doh together, cut out strips, and threw it in the oven for fun.

by Chloe Jordan | feature editor

With over 19.5 million vegans in the United States, veganism continues to exponentially gain popularity. While vegan food currently has the appeal of protecting animals from exploitative systems and eating healthier (sometimes), MorningStar Farms is not the brand to turn your head towards for meat replacements.

MorningStar Farms Vegan Bacon – 

If you’ve never gotten the exquisite opportunity to taste test some vegan bacon, PLEASE DON’T. Keep it that way. You don’t want to risk the horror of bringing something remotely close to vegan bacon close to your mouth. 

Similar to the looks of fondant icing on a cake, the vegan bacon is especially off putting. The vegan bacon is also comparable to a fruit roll up, or a flattened red and white swirled Play-Doh rectangle. The marbled swirl of surprisingly bright colors is unappealing and horrific. Somehow, it also effectively manages to look both raw and burnt simultaneously – and the odor cannot make up for it. It’s safe to say the visual image of the vegan bacon is the worst part about it. If you don’t want to feel like a dog chowing on a fresh, meaty (but not really meat) dog treat, then help yourself to this extraterrestrial food.

The staff unanimously agreed that it smelled somewhat like a burnt bacon aroma. Like the sight of the vegan bacon, it smells much like a dog treat too, which isn’t too problematic since most dog treats release meaty smells into the atmosphere. Overall, this brand of vegan bacon is a catastrophic aromatic disaster-piece.

Not only does the sheet of 2-D vegan bacon look like it’s out of a video game and emit unworldly scents, but it tastes like a half-burnt bacon flavored lays chip that could possibly and quite literally make someone question if it was a dog treat or not. It tastes like bacon, but the kind of bacon meant for dogs who salivate and do tricks and get rewarded with a variety of weird meats. On a side note, it was also a bit salty and dry and it crumbled but then also melted  when ingested.

The final verdict – we feel bad for vegans everywhere who give up animal products to protest cruelty and are faced with products that feel like an insult. A lot of vegan food is a disappointing copy of what would’ve been fine of another food. This falls into that category. The bacon we were presented with was not and could not be considered bacon. It was outlandish and off putting. It was bad to the extent that you could replace a normal plate of bacon with it and call it a prank, or serve it to your enemies. No drink can rid of the aftertaste or experience that haunts the daredevil that tastes this food. Regular bacon is most likely cheaper and definitely more flavorful anyway. And while it wasn’t the worst vegan dupe, it was certainly not the best. It is comparable to getting home after a frustrating day to your parents presenting you with the words “leftovers for dinner.” This is an existential crisis. We do not know who would get excited over the pieces of vegan bacon we were presented with.

MorningStar Farms Vegan Sausage –

A green and pink plate holds three links of vegan sausage.

If vegan bacon was bad, vegan sausage was somehow even worse – and you can smell it through the screen.

If someone finds it a privilege to consume vegan sausage, run far, far away. If vegan sausage was a post on Tik Tok, it would be banned. It is atrocious. Disastrous. Horrendous.

While the vegan sausage looks somewhat close to actual sausage, it also looks unappealing and unappetizing. The mysterious plate of vegan sausage that was presented emanated cold, expired, unreal vibes. It also appears undercooked. If critic Anton Ego from Ratatouille were to try this wannabe food, he would be utterly disappointed and disgusted.

The aroma of the vegan sausage got mixed reviews. Some argued it smelled exactly like dog food, and some agreed it just smelled like regular sausage, plain and simple. Some even struggled to identify the smell or associate it with anything, which felt unsafe to eat. However, most said the smell was overall unpleasant. If the anatomy of the smell was to be dissected, it could be broken up into three simple groups – pepper, bad meat, and overused microwave smell. 

The texture when ingested is extremely odd. It exhibits both gummy and tough qualities; chewy and crumbly. It’s difficult to eat even one, because it tastes like every meat on planet Earth chewed up and mixed together, much like a wall of gum. Repulsive is an understatement. Even if the taste is somewhat bearable, the smell, look, and texture ruin any chance of normalcy or familiarity. It also lacks grease to retain any juiciness or flavor.

If you can avoid eating vegan sausage, please do. Spare yourself a one way trip to the hospital from food poisoning. The actual intensity of the experience of eating vegan sausage was nowhere near expected – much worse, in fact. It made some of the staff actually gag, so questioning if it should be recommended would be unprofessional. If vegans want any familiar impression of meat, this would be a stretch. Even the vegan bacon was more similar to actual bacon and might be bearable to some. Vegan sausage is nearly impossible to enjoy. This product had “no’s” all across the board. It was doomed from the very start. The amount of sighs and groans received when the staff realized they would actually have to consume the product was astonishing. This is the flavor if you want to have the same kind of day as a child who dropped their ice cream cone on a hot summer day. This is the kind of food you would grab for breakfast if you really have nothing else and had to just muster up the courage to do so and run to your car because you’re late. This food resembles the Sunday you want Chick-Fil-A. It can be described as nothing other than horrendous and unnecessary. This soy product is horribly seasoned and textured.

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About The Author

FEATURE EDITOR

Chloe Jordan is currently a junior at Johnson. She has enjoyed writing and journalism since seventh grade. Her other favorite hobbies include roller skating, collecting crystals, and painting. You’ll most likely find her in the Theatre workshop, backstage, or at a computer in A128.

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