One quick movement of the razor, and all the drama with my parents was now a distant memory. No more racing thoughts, no more tears – just fresh cuts, creeping blood, and soon comfort is restored and my sanity is found. Another cut meant more blood, but less pain.
One day in 8th grade, I was sitting at my desk in reading class (busy thinking about locking myself in my room and scratching my wrists with a blade until they bled), when my teacher started talking to us about her favorite books. One of the books was called She Said Yes. For some reason, I felt like that book was calling out to me. Everyday when I walked into class, the blonde haired, blue eyed girl bathed in a blue and gold hue on the cover would stare at me from the shelf. So one day, I grabbed the book, flipped through it’s pages, and read a chapter a day in class. I didn’t realize the impact it was going to have on me.
That book felt like a sign from God to me. It was all about a girl named Cassie Bernall. She was a senior who went to Columbine High School and was shot and killed during the horrific massacre that took place there for confessing she believed in God when asked by the gunmen. But it wasn’t her martyrdom that attracted me to her. She went through a similar stage like I was going trough at that time; the cutting, being a depressed and suicidal teenager. The similarities between us were hard for me to ignore. It was amazing to me how dramatic her Christian conversion was. After reading her story, I said “Hey, I want an attitude like that!”
I would have never come out of my stupor if it hadn’t been for Cassie. Soon, I became more involved with God: I went to Church more, wore a Jesus Fish wristband to School, and carried a copy of She Said Yes with me and referred to it as “my Bible” The cutting had stopped and me and my parents stopped fighting and started to get along much better. My eyes had become brighter and I smiled again. with my new found faith I realized two things: 1. Hope is real, and 2. Not all angels have wings.