This installment: How To Survive Freshman Year
Step 1: Slack off
When senior year rolls around and you’re trying to apply to colleges, the process can at times be stressful. However, to combat this stress, get in the habit of slacking off early. Not only will you be a procrastination pro by your senior year, but the college application process will be infinitely more fun when you see how your freshman year grades are weighing down your GPA. Your low GPA won’t phase you, however, because you know how worth it it was to spend that one night in freshman year watching Netflix rather than writing that research paper that was worth 50% of your final grade.
Step 2: Leave your phone in places where it will easily be seen
It’s a rite of passage to get your phone or expensive personal belonging stolen in the halls of Reagan High School. In order to maximize your chances of becoming a part of the many who have already had this privilege, make sure to leave your iPhone 5S on your desk or in unlocked athletic lockers. Tip: For quick results, it helps to announce to the entire classroom that you’re carrying around your $2,000 MacBook Pro in your backpack.
Step 3: Stay away from all clubs and organizations
Social interaction? How about no. To achieve that loner status, make sure to steer clear of all clubs and organizations. Not only will you forgo the opportunity to get involved and do service projects or cool things for the school, but you’ll also miss out on chances to meet new people with similar interests. Choose instead to shuffle aimlessly from class to class, making sure to avoid eye contact with everyone, and enjoy your reclusive high school experience.
Step 4: Make your teachers “love” you
If there’s one thing teachers love, it’s kids who talk over them when they’re trying to teach. To get maximum brownie points from them, be the obnoxious kid in the back of the classroom who never stops talking to his friends. Make sure you show up to class five minutes late every day, Starbucks cup in hand, and upon the teacher’s questioning of your tardiness, explain that traffic was a nightmare. Also, rack up as many late grades as possible. They’ll totally write you that letter of recommendation your senior year when they remember the record you set for “most amount of zeros achieved by a single student”.
Disclaimer: This is satire. Use at your own risk.