By Felicia De Innocentiis | Staff Writer

For those of us whose parents watch primetime CNN, AC 360’s host Anderson Cooper is a shining beacon of prolific journalistic achievement. But after literally years of watching his program, I’ve begun to notice that his physical complexion and productivity have more than withstood test of time. I mean, come on; it’s like the guy has gotten younger as the years wore on. Not only that, but that statically swoon-worthy visage has won the hearts of audience the world over; suspiciously without protest. It’s enough to make you wonder if some metaphysical forces are acting upon him. Something vampiric. Of course, this is all merely hypothetical. But suppose Cooper was member of the notorious undead. Unlike the urgent headlines he passes along, it really wouldn’t be much of a newsflash.

These are the top ten reasons why Anderson Cooper could pass as a vampire.

  1. His timeless appearance. Cooper’s face has weathered everything, from Haitian floods to hurricanes and hellish accidents on the home-front; yet no kind of stress reveals itself on his flawless face. Creams and botox are a thing of the 21st century, sure; but vampirism can make you seem young and healthy for centuries at a time. And I dare you to say AnCoop isn’t at his peak. I dare you.
  2. He airs only at night. Nighttime activity is a given for any bloodthirsty creature. An Armani coffin could be easily concealed underneath the CNN studio until his primetime occupation summons him to the surface.
  3. The man hails from Louisiana. This state is a hotbed for vampire activity. Just ask Ann Rice, or Sookie Stackhouse!
  4. Comes from “Old Money”. His family history states that he is descendent of the Vanderbilt family. Or did the Vanderbilts descend from him?
  5. His hair is the only thing that ages. He is nicknamed “The Silver Fox” for his ever-whitening hair; the only changing quality about him, to be honest. But we teenagers are well aware of how quickly a box of Loreal can help pull off that facade.
  6. Housewives of America are highly susceptible to his magnetic charm. Kelly Ripa knows exactly what I’m talking about. Is it garden-variety charisma, or a trance technique for catching his next meal? You know what they say; dead men (or Cooper-chasers) tell no tales.
  7. He is most definitely a sharp dresser, always on top of the latest fashions. PAGING LESTAT.
  8. He may not sparkle in reality, but he does have a certain twinkle in his eye.
  9. If he is indeed in a longterm relationship, it is highly concealed. Much has been written and said of the suspiciously single Cooper, and the man shows no sign of interrupting their speculations. Naturally. He wouldn’t want his dark secrets to be exposed by an unsuspecting human wife.
  10. His many generous donations to the Red Cross blood banks. Philanthropy is one thing; stockpiling resources is quite another.

 

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About The Author

Felicia DeInnocentiis is a junior at Johnson High School. This is her second year on the newspaper staff. After high school, she aspires to go to college and major in music and, possibly, music composition. One of Felicia's goals is to be a contributing writer for Rolling Stone magazine.

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