How to Plan the Perfect Valentine’s Day

       Has your partner seemed distant? Possibly unfaithful? Have you noticed them staring longingly out the window, perhaps thinking of someone else? We have the solution. 

       This guide is your go-to for planning the perfect Valentine’s Day dinner. By following this list, we guarantee that any troubled relationship can rekindle the passion that once brought you together. 


  1. Pick a time. You’ll want it to be late, so the date can stay a secret. Privacy is of the utmost importance. This night is only about you two. 
  2. Decide on your menu. Their favorite dish is recommended—they’ll eat it quickly, and then you’ll have time for other things. 
  3. Choose your decorations. Red is preferable, for obvious reasons. Avoid lace, or anything that can be easily stained. There’s a high chance a glass of wine will spill tonight. 
  4. Set the Mood. Candles are always a good choice. Choose ones with a pleasant scent, one’s that’ll lull them into a pleasantly relaxed state. They can also be used to start a fire in the fireplace afterwards. A roaring fire is best. 
  5. Invite them over. Make sure they are wearing something scanty. It’ll be easier to remove. 
  6. Greet them at the door. Laugh, make them feel special. Shower them with your attention. 
  7. Show them to the table. Let them notice the elaborateness of it, how much thought you have put into it, just for them.
  8. Disappear to the kitchen. Make it quick, so they don’t have time to become suspicious, rush in, and catch you in the act.
  9. Maintain eye contact. Throughout the meal, wait for the moment when it starts to kick in. 
  10. Prepare your speech beforehand. They won’t have much time to appreciate it otherwise, and too many crimes of passion have been ruined by muddled thoughts. 
  11. Give them one last kiss. As their body cools, remember all the good times. Did they really deserve this? 
  12. Give yourself a shake. It’s too late now! You followed our guide this long, right? 
  13. Hide the body. Good thing you started that fire earlier. 
  14. Toss and turn in your bed. The one you used to share with them. The one they’ll never be in again. For the rest of your life, be haunted by your guilt— and the fact that you planned the perfect Valentine’s Day.


Author’s Note: This guide is not recommended for anyone attempting to host a murder-free romantic dinner with their partner.