By Elizabeth Baseley, Tallisen Smith and Santiago Perez Ramirez
(July 20th, 2005) Note found on Donovan O’Riley’s door–
Donovan, heard about the divorce. She sounds like a bitch I guess. Anyway, a little birdy told me that your sandwich went missing again. Weird… I wonder who took it.
Hugs and Kisses,
Count Radbot
(PS. Your suit’s a few sizes too big. I can give you my tailor if you want, babe.)
(July 20th, 2005) Note found on Steve Dugar’s door–
Dear Steve, stop.
1)This is my personal business and my (ex)wife is very lovely and a great person.
2) I literally saw you take my sandwich out of the fridge.
3) My clothes fit fine, bitch.
Signed,
Donovan
P.S – Your name isn’t Count Radbot, dumbass.
(July 21st, 2005. 10:27 am) Memo to sales department
Good morning to everyone,
This is a reminder that all personal conversations should be kept to a minimum during company hours. We are all friends here, but work must come first!
Thank you,
Laura Hillbrook
Regional Manager/Focused Stock Image Inc.
(July 25th, 2005. 9:03) Text Message Conversation between Steve and Donovan,
Donovan: Why can’t I get into the new office? None of these keys work.
Steve: Oops, looks like i gave you the wrong set 😉 Do you need a strong, sexy man to help you, a damsel in distress, out?
Donovan: No. I’ll ask Freya. I hate you.
(July 28th, 2005) Note found on Steve Dugar’s door–
Steve, stop taking my fucking sandwiches. I wrote my name on every single one and I’ve literally seen you walking around with them.
Signed,
Donovan
(July 28th, 2005) Note found on Donovan’s door–
Dearest Donovan,
Who is this Steve you speak of? I, Count Radbot, have been framed. As I have stated continuously, I possess no knowledge of your lunches. If you are having such a problem with this thievery, I suggest that you go to human resources. If not, I would beseech you to stop accusing me of this tomfoolery.
XOXO,
Count Radbot.
(August 1st, 2005. 4:45 pm)
Dear Oscar, I have attached photographic evidence of Steve stealing and then proceeding to eat my roast beef sandwich. Please take action against this menace or I will starve, which would impair my work abilities.
With thanks,
Donovan O’Riley
(August 3rd, 2005. 2:27 pm) Recorded Conversation between Oscar Jackson and Steve Dugar.
File name: Sandwich Snatcher–
Oscar: Okay, so this conversation’s being recorded. Do you, Steve Dugar, consent to this?
Steve: Yes.
Oscar: Alright, well, so we both know what this meeting is about.
Steve: The sandwiches right?
Oscar: You gotta stop stealing his sandwiches, Steve.
Steve: I don’t take them! I–I don’t know anything!
Oscar: We have photographic evidence, Steve.
Steve: Of what? Me not stealing a sandwich?
Oscar: Of you… eating Donovan’s sandwich!
Steve: Let me see the photo.
Oscar: Here.
Steve: That’s my sandwich! I can’t eat my own sandwiches?
Oscar: Come on, Steve, you’ve been caught red handed!
Steve: Look, do I mess with the guy? Yeah, I do. But I don’t steal his lunch. I know he has low blood-pressure. I wouldn’t do that to him.
Oscar: Okay, so then where do his sandwiches go? You’re the only one who messes with him.
Steve: I don’t know!
Oscar: Okay. Thanks for meeting with me.
(August 8th, 2005. 10:27 am)
To: Laura Hillbrook
From: Steve Dugar
Subject: Business boy NOT doing business things
Dear Laura,
I’m contacting you because I am concerned about Donovan’s work ethic. He hasn’t sent an email to anyone in at least a week.
Signed,
Steve Dugar
(August 8th, 2005. 12:58 pm)
To: Steve Dugar
From: Laura Hillbrook
Subject: Re: Business boy NOT doing business things
Steve,
I had, in fact, noticed this change, it is peculiar.
However, Donovan has been going through a tough time recently, I’ll try to reach out to him and make sure he is okay.
To be honest, I’m surprised by your concern, as you constantly give him a hard time at the office.
Signed,
Laura Hillbrook
Regional Manager/ Focused Stock Image Inc.
(August 8th, 2005. 1:13 pm)
To: Donovan O’Riley
From: Laura Hillbrook
Subject: Meeting today
Don,
I need you to swing by my office at 3 to talk about one of your clients.
Thank you,
Laura Hillbrook,
Regional Manager/ Focused Stock Image Inc.
(August 8th, 2005. 3:02 pm) Recorded Conversation between Laura Hillbrook and Donovan O’Riley.
File name: Donovan Check Up–
Laura: Hi Don, thanks for stopping by.
Donovan: You said you needed to talk about one of my clients?
Laura: Well, yes. I guess you could say this is the most important client, yourself, Don.
Donovan: What?
Laura: How are you?
Donovan: Fine?
Laura: Are you sure? Remember this is a safe space, I’m here for you.
Donovan: What are you talking about?
Laura: Well, we all know you’ve been kinda going through it man. Even Steve has brought up the fact that you haven’t emailed anyone since last week. We’re all worried about you, Don.
Donovan: Wait, how does Steve know-
Laura: Shhh- it’s okay, you can talk to me.
Donovan: I was on vacation last week.
Laura: Oh, you were?
Donovan: Yes.
Laura: Did you fill out a form?
Donovan: Yes, I gave it to you a month in advance.
Laura: Oh… did you? I must have forgotten.
Donovan: Ok… So can I go then?
Laura: Yes, well, I had some exercises I wanted to try out, but I guess they’re kinda futile now, huh? It’s okay, they were stupid. I wasn’t excited for them at all, like I don’t care.
Donovan: Um. Ok. Well… I’m just gonna go back to work then…
Laura: Yeah, Okay… Yeah that’s… sure…
(August 8th, 2005. 3:32 pm)
To: Steve Dugar
From: Donovan O’Riley
Subject: Fixoop Thisoop
Dearoop Steveoop,
Whatoop didoop youoop dooop tooop myoop computeroop. Whyoop amoop Ioop typingoop likeoop thisoop. Ioop hateoop youoop.
Dieoop,
Donovanoop
(August 8th, 2005. 4:04 pm)
To: Donovan O’Reily
From: Steve Dugar
Subject: re: Fixoop Thisoop
My Dearest Donovanoop,
That sucks. Hope it gets better!
All of my love,
Count Radbot.
(August 16th, 2005. 10:27 am)
To: Donovan O’Riley
From: Steve Dugar
Subject: A Deal
Sugar Bear,
I have a proposition for you. Meet me at the water coolers at 12:00. Don’t mention this to anyone.
Mon amour pour toi est éternel,
-Count Radbot Honey Poo
(PS. In further correspondence, refer to me as “Honey Poo”)
(August 16th, 2005.) Note found attached to the water cooler–
Well done mon chère! Sugar Bear, I have been struck by Edison’s lightbulb, and possess a clue to solving your sandwich larceny.
But this clue is damning. I believe this corruption extends to the highest rung of this corporate ladder. Keep this secret Sugar Bear, our lives hang in the balance.
Je n’ai pas vécu jusqu’à ce que je te rencontre,
-Honey Poo
(August 26th, 2005. 2:54 pm)
To: Steve Dugar
From: Donovan O’Reily
Subject: Unmasking the Robbery
Dear “Honey Poo”,
To my great chagrin, I listened to the advice you provided about recording the fridge to see if it was truly [REDACTED] stealing my sandwiches. I have discovered that you were, in fact, correct, and I now have footage of them leaving the break room with a roast beef sandwich that clearly has “Donovan” written on it. Although it pains me to say, I regret accusing you of stealing my sandwiches as you are clearly innocent. I will admit that I am glad this whole debacle allowed me to gain perspective on you.
Sincerely,
“Sugar Bear”
(August 29th, 2005. 10:00 am) Recorded Conversation between Laura Hillbrook, Oscar Jackson, Steve Dugar and Donovan O’Riley.
File name: The Confrontation–
Oscar: Okay, Steve Dugar, Donovan O’Riley, Laura Hillbrook, do you all consent to this conversation being recorded?
Donovan: Yes.
Steve: If it will bring justice to light, I guess you can capture my words.
Laura: Ooh, spooky. Yes, although, what is this meeting about?
Oscar: Umm, I don’t know actually. Steve?
Steve: What isn’t this meeting about? It’s going to have it all… life… death… betrayal… unbridled sexual passion…
Donovan: Sexual passion?
Steve: If you want, I’ll save that for later, babe.
Laura: Babe?
Steve: It all started July 6th. A fittingly gloomy day. I remember seeing a pigeon shit on my car. I thought nothing of it then… oh how wrong I was to ignore such a powerful omen… if only I had listened… maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Oscar: Okay, cut to the chase.
Steve: Why? Why gloss over this victim’s trauma? Why ignore this poor, wretched soul’s plight? Two months of pain.
Laura: What’s that folder?
Steve: Evidence. Oscar, have you ever seen a roast beef sandwich sitting in the fridge?
Oscar: Yes.
Steve: And who, pray tell, does that sandwich belong to?
Oscar: Don, right?
Steve: Yes. Donovan, you write your name on every single one of your sandwiches correct?
Donovan: Correct.
Steve: Why?
Donovan: So that everyone in the office knows that they are MY sandwiches.
Laura: What are you getting at, Steve?
Steve: Your downfall Laura.
Laura: I- is that–
Steve: A picture of you holding yesterday’s coffee, TAKING A SANDWICH CLEARLY LABELED DONOVAN. Why, yes it is Laura.
Oscar: Laura? Is this true?
Laura: I- I don’t–
Steve: Speechless eh? The perps never do confess… take her away boys!
Oscar: What?
Donovan: I demand that Laura is punished for her crimes.
Steve: Yeah! I thought bosses were supposed to steal capital from their workers, not roast beef!
Oscar: Okay, Laura, why are you stealing his sandwiches?
Laura: I–
Oscar: He has low blood pressure, if he had died, it would have been very bad for the company… and for Don too, God forbid. I’m sorry but this is a big deal, I can’t promise you won’t get fired.
Donovan: Wait, wait, I was just carried away in the moment, there’s no need for anyone to get fired… as long as Laura promises not to do it again, I won’t press charges.
Laura: Thank you, Don! Thank you so much, for your mercy! Thank you.
Steve: One last thing, detective fees.
Donovan: What? Do you want a sandwich?
Steve: No, just your strong arms wrapped around me, carrying me off to sleep tonight, sugar bear.
Donovan: I-
Oscar: Okay… well I guess we’re done here, y’all are free to go. Laura, can you hang back for a second?
Laura: I’m sorry, Oscar! I know I’ve disappointed you! I’m a disgrace to the company.
Oscar: No It’s not about that, just- when you get the chance, please remind everyone that they need to fill out a relationship form if they’ve become involved with a co-worker.
Laura: Oh, Okay. Wait, are you talking about Steve and Don?
Oscar: Yeah, I just didn’t want to put them in an awkward position by asking earlier.
Laura: Oh, I guess that makes sense. Okay, I’ll do that. How long do you think they’ve been dating?
Oscar: I don’t know, I think they’re so cute, though.
Laura: Oh, so cute. By the way, what do you mean by involved? Do we need to fill out a form?
Oscar: We can talk about this later.
(August 31st, 2005.) Note attached to Steve Dugar’s door–
Hey, why does everyone think we’re dating? I don’t understand. We are very clearly NOT dating, yet even my ex-wife mentioned it. Also stop calling me sugar bear, the operation is over and we don’t need code names anymore.
-Donovan
(August 31st, 2005.) Note found Donovan O’Riley’s door–
My knight in shining armor,
If you want to get some of this action, offers on the table.
Yours forever,
-Count Radbot,
(September 16th, 2005) Relationship report filled by Laura Hillbrook, and Oscar Jackson.
We, Laura Hillbrook and Oscar Jackson, hereby notify the board that we are involved in a relationship beyond any platonic sense.
(September 22nd, 2005.) Note found Donovan O’Riley’s door–
Hey my Donny Wonny, miss me?
My heart has always been yours,
-Count Radbot
(September 22nd, 2005.) Note found Steve Duger’s door–
No.
-Donovan
(September 22nd, 2005.) Note found Donovan O’Riley’s door–
Well my vacay was great. I met a hot babe on the plane, and got her number. Was thinking of asking her out, that is, if you don’t take me up on my offer? 😉
Colors pale in comparison to you,
-Count Radbot.
Sex God/ Your Mom Inc.
(September 26th, 2005.) Note found Steve Duger’s door–
I’m not gay, Steve.
-Donovan
(September 30th, 2005) Two-weeks notice-
I, Steve Dugar, am putting in my two-weeks. My last day working for Focused Stock Image Inc. will be October 14th. This company was a great one to work for, but personal issues have necessitated my departure.
Signed,
-Steve Dugar.
(September 30th, 2005) recorded conversation between Steve Dugar and Laura Hillbrook
Laura: Hey Steve, I saw that you put in your two weeks notice.
Steve: Yeah. I did that.
Laura: So, personal issues. I just wanna make sure that everything’s okay. Remember, this is a safe space.
Steve: Yeah I’m… it’s fine… I’m good… I- yeah…
Laura: Well, Steve… I’m getting a sense that you might actually want to talk about this…
Steve: Yeah? Maybe. I don’t know.
Laura: Is it about… Don?
Steve: Is it that obvious?
Laura: Yeah, we all kinda know.
Steve: You know Freya’s birthday party last Saturday? We… he… might of kissed me?
Laura: Whoaaaaaaa! I didn’t know that! So what’s wrong, love?
Steve: He refuses to talk to me about it. He keeps insisting it was just the alcohol.
Laura: Well, what about the girl you met on vacation? The one you’ve been bragging about all week?
Steve: She gave me a fake number. It- she doesn’t matter. I’m… girls aren’t… they don’t make me… you know?
Laura: Oh, Steve, you break my heart.
Steve: Blame Donovan.
Laura: I think you have to talk to him, hon.
Steve: He doesn’t feel the same. I don’t want my heart broken. Not again.
Laura: What are you talking about? He clearly likes you.
Steve: Bullshit.
Laura: No I’m serious! He went along with your whole operation, he answers your little notes and stuff… and I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Trust me.
Steve: He’s… in love with me? He’s.. in love with me. Oh my god. You’re right.
Laura: Of course I am, babe.
Steve: But it doesn’t change anything, does it?
Laura: What do you mean?
Steve: He’s never going to admit it.
Laura: Yeah, well then I guess you have to do it first. Love was made to be spoken.
Steve: I did. I told him I loved him and all I got was a piece of fucking paper saying “I’m not gay.”
Laura: I’m sorry Steve, I guess then you’ll have to be patient. But don’t quit.
Steve: I’m tired of waiting.
(October 3rd, 2005) Folder placed in Donovan O’Riley’s box.
Hey Don,
Just some documents I thought you might wanna see. I couldn’t find every instance of your interactions, but I think this collection is enough. I thought it might help you gain some perspective. By ignoring your feelings, you aren’t just hurting yourself, but him as well.
– Laura.
(October 13, 2005.) Note found Steve Duger’s door–
Please don’t quit. I think I’m in love with you.
(October 20th, 2005) Relationship report filled by Donovan O’Riley and Steve Dugar.